Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
