Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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