so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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