my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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