Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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