just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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