If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
