It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just gift wrapped bread.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My dad is sitting where you rode me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
