those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
