quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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