why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
