the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
