I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
