she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
