I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
