Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
