I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
