I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
