get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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