Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
