I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
