grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
