I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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