; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
