i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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