birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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