You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
