Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
