I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
