thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
