Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(705): View more from Ontario

and you said cock pushups were impossible

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(817): View more from Texas

It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(740): View more from Ohio

becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.

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(949): View more from California

I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.

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