every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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