so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
