ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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