Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
