I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
