Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
