My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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