Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
