My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
