Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
