Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
