All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
