I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
