so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
