I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
