I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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