I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
