i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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