I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
