Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
