Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
FUCK WHALES
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
