My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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