Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
