I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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