I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
