I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
