My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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